Several years ago, a terribly heart-breaking incident in our family shortly became known to many who know us. We had to travel several hundred miles to deal with the situation, and my cell phone rang just as we got on the road to return home.
On the other end was an old friend from college—hadn’t heard from him since receiving his Christmas card five months earlier.
“Bryan,” Steve said in a broken voice, “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
And not much more was said—wasn’t anymore needed. A good friend took the initiative to pick up the phone and sympathize with our pain. We appreciated it greatly.
One reason Steve’s call stands out is that very few others made the effort. I had thought we would hear from a few “friends” somewhat close to the situation, but nothing. That hurt, but deepened our gratitude for those who did reach out.
Almost five years ago, my mom passed away after a seven-month battle with cancer. She was living in Elkhart, Indiana—about a four-hour drive from our home in western Illinois.
The visitation and funeral were well attended. Most of the family were there, of course. Mom was active in her church—dozens of her friends came to pay their respects. Others from a couple of civic organizations she participated in came as well. None of that is unusual.
What was surprising, though, was to see a couple from our church make their way up the aisle. They had made the four-hour journey simply to express their sympathy to my wife and me; after the funeral, they turned around and went home.
Good friends.
Wish I could say I’ve always been one, but alas.
When I showed up in the dorm room for my freshman year of college, Greg, another freshman, had already arrived. We hit it off well together, learning all the ropes, navigating the campus, and settling into the routine of dorm life. We even joined the same “society” (our college’s rough parallel to a “fraternity”).
The friendship developed over that year, and we requested to be dorm neighbors for the remaining years of college life.
Naturally, when my bride and I made plans for our wedding, I asked Greg to be my best man. He readily agreed and fulfilled the role admirably. We remained close for the next two years while I was in graduate school, and he took classes and worked on campus.
After graduate school, we moved out of the area to take a ministry position while Greg remained behind working at a job and a relationship!
About two or three years later, I was working on staff at a church in Indiana, and Greg called. He and his beloved had gotten engaged; would I reciprocate and do the honors of being his best man?
Being new to my staff position at the church, I discussed the invitation with my “boss,” the pastor. I was, after all, his assistant and needed his blessing to take time off.
I greatly respected this pastor. He was in his early 60s when he hired me, having been in the ministry for forty years, more than twenty-five of which in that particular church. I knew I could learn a great deal from him, and he was most generous with counsel and advice. I readily accepted and appreciated so much of his counsel.
Except in this particular case.
He didn’t refuse to let me go, but he seriously discouraged it. He explained.
“Bryan, I don’t think you should do this. You’ll have to take valuable vacation time and travel a great distance at your own expense. And you need to realize that, though you’re still friends with this fellow now, you will not likely be twenty years from now. Very, very few college buddies remain friends the further they get from those college years.”
What did I know? He was quite earnest in his efforts to discourage me from participating in this wedding. I was fairly new to my position and understandably wanted to please my mentor. In the end, I felt awful doing so, but called Greg and respectfully declined his invitation.
On one level, my mentor-pastor was right. As the years went on, we didn’t stay in touch much. We certainly weren’t as close as in those college years!
But on a deeper level, he was wrong. Out of all the guys Greg knew, he asked me to be his best man. It was a trust and honor and expression of good friendship offered to me. Accepting the privilege was worth giving up some vacation time and risking an uncertain future. A good friend would have understood and gladly accepted the honor.
I let my friend down.
By the way, several years later—far too many, to be sure—my wife and I were attending a conference in the area where Greg lived. We got together for dinner one evening, and I finally expressed to him just how wrong it was of me to turn down his invitation and how much I regretted it.
What makes for a good friend, anyway?
The wisdom book of Proverbs offers some practical insight.
A good friend will…
- …help me stay on the right path. He won’t seek to lead me astray! (12:26)
- …will “cover” a transgression rather than allow it to separate the friendship. That is, he won’t allow every little slight or thoughtless word or inconsiderate deed to come between them. (17:9)
- …love at all times. He won’t be a “fair-weather friend” who’s hops aboard only when the sailing is smooth, but will be right there to help bail water! (17:18)
- …be friendly! (18:24)
- …not be influenced by my wealth or poverty or status. If I am well-off financially, he won’t try to pad his pocket at my expense. Likewise, if I face an economic downturn, he won’t abandon me (19:4). If I rise to a position of some prominence, he won’t intensify his “loyalty” to ride my coattails (19:6).
- …will love a pure heart, shunning hypocrisy, posturing, and feigned friendship merely for personal advantage. Further, grace is on his lips rather than harsh criticism and overbearing demands. (22:11).
- …“wound” me when I need it. Sometimes I need a good, swift kick—verbally, that is. A friend won’t pacify me in such times; he’ll tell me what I need to hear—graciously, of course—even if it hurts! (27:6)
- …offers helpful counsel when I’m confused, perplexed, discouraged, and struggling. (27:9)
- …doesn’t turn his back on me when I’m down, defeated, or demoralized. (27:10)
- …is sensitive, thoughtful, and considerate. (27:14)
- …will be like iron that sharpens iron. I will be a better person because of my friend’s influence on my life. (27:17)
We all likely have at least one person in our lives who qualifies as a “good friend.” Hopefully, we are that good friend to someone(s), as well. Yet we’re also likely aware of the imperfections in our human friendships.
There is, though, “a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24b). It’s great when your brothers are also your friends (mine are!). And perhaps a really good friend is better to you than a brother.
But there’s a full, complete, perfect fulfillment of this “closer-than-a-brother-friend”—one who fails never, in any area of friendship. One who has promised,
I will never leave you nor forsake you.
– Hebrews 13:5
One whose love is so great He has laid down His life for His friends and says to them:
No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.
– John 15:13-15
Jesus, of course, is that perfect “good friend.”
No wonder the songwriter could pen these words:
What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
– What a Friend We Have in Jesus, by Joseph Scriven
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.
Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield you; you will find a solace there.
Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear
May we ever, Lord, be bringing all to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for prayer
Rapture, praise and endless worship will be our sweet portion there.
I trust this good Friend is your Friend!
